OUT OF TOUCH WITH "IN TOUCH" MAGAZINE

So a few days ago while going through the checkout line, I picked up a celebrity magazine (I didn't pick up a tabloid, because I wanted the truth, hahaha). Curious about the lives of celebrities other than the ones I know in Nashville, I thought I might find something interesting and enjoyable to blog about. I chose Weekly In Touch which looked like it might provide me rare and relevant information about people whose lives I don't share. Rather than pontificate about the magazine, I figured I would summarize its contents:


Pages 2-3, A contrast of four pairs of women who each (accidentally) wore the same dress, rating the winner of each pair according to how anemic they look without actually being (officially) dead (That would have disqualified them).


Page 4, An article on Britney Spears, her weight gain, and the oxymoron of the gap between her skinny, upper, inner thighs.


Page 5, An add for Veet lotion implying just how sexy you think you are when alone, enthralled with the silkiness of your skin which is supposed to affirm a kind of self-esteem that turns you more inward than you already are (in which case you won't need Veet because all you would have to do is to just think about how silky your skin is).


Page 6, An article on the Playboy Club and the contractual agreements adherents must sign, agreeing to "nudity" and "simulated sexual acts." One man signed the contract and intends to "keep his word" (which, I think, is supposed to be admirable) while his wife wants him to go back on his word (which is not admirable. Nor is it Christian).


Page 7, An Android advertisement of a girl hiding in a tree outside a young man's bedroom window, taking a photo of him as he is undressing. She (and, you, the reader) is amazed at the quality of the picture over, say, the inferior quality of the Iphone 3's photos.


Page 8, Autobios of three celebs (one whom I know), promising to reveal sordid stories about their private lives, inciting you to buy their books and invest in their lives while being divested of your very own.


Page 9, An Altoids advert implying that a gal with a butt that takes up most of the advert is going to seduce an Italian hottie on a scooter who looks bored (Oh, but he doesn't know what he's in for). 


Pages 10-16, Spreads of girls in skimpy bikinis with parts of their engineered boobs hanging out, celebs with their lovers at entertainment parks, a celeb eating popcorn and picking her teeth, one celeb father "lovingly" carrying his son (Were he carrying a sack of flower in the same way, it could be characterized as "loving," too).


Page 17, A BlueCross BlueShield advert with sexy couples and their children in color-coordinated clothing who don't look like they need insurance, yet look perfectly elated that they have it.


Pages 18-19, A celeb's sad life surrounding her lack of romantic interest in her [scientologistic] husband who orders her [through Scientology's signature mind control only reserved for members] to strike poses that imply they are in some sort of superior, alien "love". Contrasted with her interest in a man (who is not her husband) and how he brings out the "best" in her (that is to say, he is not a Scientologist).


Page 20-21, Katy Perry's relational problems with her movie-star husband and how their relationship (despite millions of dollars) is "hard" and how much they "try" to "connect" with each other despite "career paths" that take them to "different" continents. This was a personal tear-jerker as I accidentally poked my eye with the corner of the magazine.


Page 22, A spread of the children of celebs in little, cute bikinis. Little, cute boys hitting on older chicks, and little, cute girls snuggling with their little, cute boyfriends and who in five years time will be having little, cute sex with each other.


Page 23, A Koolaid advert with a bunch of kids sticking their nasty tongues out at the camera.


Page 24, Angelina Jolie's secret tattoo and the implications it might have for you, the recession, and the world.


Page 25-26, A new ADHD medicine Intuniv which is supposed to give your child such a low that, according to the picture, your child just might love you again. The drug is so effective that he also might do anything that you suggest from playing soccer to taking off his clothes in the middle of the street.


Page 27, An article on ginger-bearded men and how delicious they look.


Page 28-29, Courteney Cox's divorce drama with a photo spread of her in the water at the beach with a man who is not her husband. By the way Courteney's bikini barely fits her. I recommend that she should probably start eating again. It's been almost two years.


Pages 30-31, Scarlett Johansson's leaving of her husband and her simultaneous crush on Sean Penn who, 24 years older than her, is flattered but not interested (What great godly character to refuse, Sean. By the way, I hate your commercials).


Pages 32-35, The cover story of a hot couple who have marriage problems because the wife wants to run off to Las Vegas, get publicly intoxicated, and make out with women as a way to relieve stress caused by untold pressure like her sucking on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, but she loves her child, and it looks like her toddler might love her back. Oh, and her husband was so angry with his wife that he made out with someone he didn't even like. Now they are even. Wonderful.


Page 36, Mila Kunis' infatuation with James Franco. How free-spirited she is (which is a positive thing because it contains the word "spirit") and what a great job she did making out with another woman in Black Swan.


Page 37, An Allegra advert for "prescription strength" allergy medicine, which means that when things get hard (like hay fever or depression), take two.


Page 38-41, A four-page spread about how one celeb has the most amazing body in Hollywood even though she barely weighs 100 pounds. She must be a model, because all of her pictures are of her in a child's bikini playing with a beach ball,  now playing with yet another beach ball, now posing next to her sisters (whom she makes look fat), now posing with her mother (who makes her look like a fetus).


Pages 42-43, A formerly, portly celebrity loses enough weight to fit into her wedding dress. Her fiance is so sad now that her boobs have disappeared.


Pages 44-47, A spread on teen mothers who through slutty behavior got children they didn't really want but whom they love so much. They are doing what they can for their children (including sleeping with men they don't know).


Pages 48-49, A spread on Country music with a photo of Steven Tyler singing Aerosmith's "Walk This Way" with Carrie Underwood. Tyler tried to French Kiss her after the song, but Carrie substituted the actual French Kiss for the more platonic "Air Kiss." Underwood is Christian. And [Evangelical Christianity 101] Christians never kiss people who are not their spouses, and if they do, they were "led" to do it (so it's still OK).


Page 50, A spread on my neighbors the Judds. I won't comment, except to say that I have found Winona to be enjoyable in conversation and Ashley to be cordial (but aloof). But nice I am sure. And their mother is a dear. I have been told (I have not met her). Nor might I ever. I've lived here for 13 years and she hasn't talked to me once. Maybe I should ask her out. Of course, not, shame on you for even suggesting it. I am married. And she is like 70.


Page 51, An advert on Fat Foam which is supposed to cover gray hair, making it look so sexy that guys want to make out only with your hair.


Pages 52-55, A spread on several celebs, the most prominent one of Lady Gaga crowd surfing with her fans whom she loves so much. The crowd loves her back I can tell, because they are groping all of the strange parts of her body. Now that is devotion.


Pages 56-57, An article on couponing. I actually found this interesting and realized that I could have saved on this magazine by not buying it in the first place.


Pages 58-59, An article on celeb style, which from the photos indicates that you must be between 50 and 92 pounds to qualify, you have to have artificially colored hair, artificially implanted boobs, an artificial smile, and an artificial life.


Pages 60-61, Contrasts of celebs with before-and-after hair styles, their new ones somehow magically putting a smile on their gaunt faces, making it seem that they just had a significant religious conversion from nothingness to some kind of somethingness (which is probably a superior Nothingless, but who's to say?).


Pages 62-64, An article on a homosexual couple who have adopted twins. The article is mostly about how their house is metrosexually furnished. Written from the bisexual perspective of a jealous heterosexual.


Page 65, An advert for potato chips and how they bring people together (Seriously. You should try it). And how chips might be the answer to the recession problem (if you just eat enough of them your self-esteem will hit the "global baseline" which means that everyone in the world will stop caring about the exact same things at the exact same time).


Pages 66-67, A spread on popular film and television shows that all, quite honestly, look boring and superfluous except the one on Khloe Kardashian & Lamar (Newlyweds) and the step-by-step process they took to decide on, get this, having a baby. The world needs to hear this (at all costs), because how to have a baby is a national secret.


Pages 68-69, A spread on pregnant women. Paris Hilton is allegedly pregnant and Britney Spears still can't trim the fat from her last pregnancy. We are supposed to pray for them, I think, because pregnancy is right up there with bulimia and anemia. And there is no cure for it. It is chronic. It keeps happening. Someone, please, help our women.


Page 70, Horoscopes laced with skinny women which means that 2011 will be a scarce year for everyone.


Page 71, An advert for Fastin a weight loss drug you are probably more apt to buy on page 71 than you would have been on page 14.


Pages 72-73, A random array of randomness with a picture of a lady who lost 34 pounds and now, for some strange reason, is doing better in life (at least in the position she is standing).


Pages 74-75, Style tips of what not to wear or people won't think you are sexy. By the way, you do want people to think you are sexy else you are not real in which case you now have "existential" issues and need to see a psychologist (a real one).


Pages 76-77, A Sudoku and Crossword Puzzle and two photos of a What's Missing? featuring stars from Glee asking you to find what is missing (self-esteem or virginity don't count).


Pages 78-79, Can you match the celeb parent with the child? The Black kid and Black parent are easy to figure out, but I don't know about the others.


Page 80, Making fun of successful people like Chris Brown, and Charlie Sheen. No one understands these men. No one understands that beating women is an act of love. Not aggression. It looks like aggression to us unenlightened people. If we just could somehow be Sheen and Brown, we would understand perfectly. Until then, never.


Last Page, A tampon advert. I think the implication is that everyone needs one by the time they finish the magazine.


I was prevented from thoroughly browsing the magazine by the leaky diaper of my youngest daughter, by my wife's inquiry about what she should make for dinner, by my children's incomplete homework, and by my broken drier (leaving me loads of wet clothes to hang up around the house). I was thinking that I might liposuction the thinking part of my brain, botox my abs, and wear a stylish Kanye kerchief. Any more suggestions on how I can develop the compassion needed to empathize with my Hollywood friends?