Tuesday, May 3, 2011


When I was not developing my gymnastics abilities, I spent the majority of my tween years philosophizing to no good end. At the coffee shop. On the sidewalk. In the grocery store. At work. With the cashier. With the policeman. With the neighbor. With the total stranger on the sidewalk. At work. When talking on the phone. When swinging on the parallel bars. When watching movies. When taking the trash out. Philosophizing never made me any money, but it was one of those enjoyable ventures into which I didn't mind investing every asset, including precious brain cells.

I actually had encouragement from an eclectic brotherhood of philosophizers who, to be quite honest, were more interested in the rhetoric of presentation than in the discovery of actual answers to the problems we posed to ourselves and others. Topics ranged from ethics to politics to education, to sociological concerns, each framed within an ethereally  theological construct we found elusive enough to differentiate a myriad of original-sounding topics, plagiarizing the brilliant parts and bumbling through the disjointed ones. 

Of all the subjects we argued about, however, we never talked about aliens. And I have wondered about them for over a decade at least (My children are not afraid of monsters at night. They are afraid of aliens. They don't dream about monsters. They dream about aliens). The existence of aliens has been taken seriously since well before Spielberg's Close Encounters (1977) and ET (1982). I have actually had my own thoughts about aliens. For example, if you had the opportunity to evangelize an extra-terrestrial life-form, how would you do it? 

The first relevant question would be To what end would you evangelize them? I mean, what do you know about them to even have a need to evangelize them? Do you intend to colonize said alien race to the end that you diminish their power (very much like the ancient Pharaoh did to the Israelites)? Do you intend to build within them a subservient spirit to the end that compliance to New Testament platitudes you pick and choose to preach render them intellectually and functionally impotent to fend for themselves? 

Or do you intend to provide an ideological superstructure to the end that each successive generation of aliens, being subject to your elitist cultural prototype, becomes more and more isolated from their own alien race (after all, there is nothing even remotely redeemable in it) to the end that they have no culture of their own and must by the sheer gravity of your culture stacked against them become (at best) inferior replicas of your very own? 

Maybe their language is unacceptable, having all of the linguistic and world-view trappings of an "other-planetary" culture you cannot stomach? So you teach them King James English to the end that the salvific, cultural transfer has a chance to catch and to endure, transforming alien terms like "klj^doqp", which is derivative of "kljdq^yrp" which refers to the "Great Enlightenment" (a "supernova") of the XVI epoch of the rule of the W^/vh in which sanctions were put upon the filthy practice of Gl^n (which is too inappropriate a topic for me to discuss in this blog). That term, by the way, was the closest the Jupillian people could associate with the word "transgression." But the powers that be deemed the term etymologically inferior to the word "sin" which (add an "^") roughly means "tickle." So the Juppilians, misunderstanding an injunction associated with the term, outlawed any sort of playful touch, and involuntary itches carried with them the equivalent stigma the "wet dream" has in our culture.

What mode would you use? Physical force? Probably not, because the Juppilians each have five arms and a diaphragm that pumps like a pipe organ. Intellectual force? Their brains have a baseline functionality on par with the MacBook Air. No, what you would need to do is to create a default switch that leaves them helpless for a mere three hours a week, whereby you could upload viruses onto their "hard-drives" (I know Macs don't "have" viruses, but bear with me) that would systematically render them less and less logically competent. Of course, it is "tinkering." But it is for the glory of God, so who cares?

Of course, the mode cannot appear to be anything less than normal custom that needs no apology or explanation, no legitimate story. "This is what everyone does" should be enough, and if they object we could even say "This is what ^-^- taught us to do." Combined with the ethically spurious deprogramming, that might have a chance to work. Before long, we have a nice, fat document we call "God's Simple Plan of Salvation for Aliens" that any alien (if it really read it and followed its dictates wholeheartedly) would find itself becoming a fine specimen like ourselves. 

But isn't that the big problem in the first place? The "Plan" we have for them is not the same "Plan" we have for ourselves. In fact, their "Plan" is way too constricting than our own. The "Plan" we have for ourselves is less dogmatic and more open-ended, less specific and more ambiguous, less angry and more merciful than theirs. 

Oh, but there is a further problem. We make no correlation between the alien and ourselves. Probably because we see no similarity between the alien and ourselves. In fact, it takes everything in us not to react in genuine horror when we come face to face with them. We are bigots and even privately refer to said alien people-group in question as "Juppies" (But only when they are not listening). All of that theory. All of that conniving. All of that translating. All of that missionarying. And to what end? 

We don't know. All we know is that we cannot let a race of aliens have the edge on us. It would mean the end of life as we know it. Even if that life is inferior, it is familiar. It is ours. It is comfortable. So if stopping the aliens means infusing their culture with the virus of an inferior Gospel, then let it be, amen. Notwithstanding. If a race of aliens truly exists, wouldn't their deepest need be the same as our very own?

Look at it even more carefully, and we might realize that we did not consider what exactly it was about the aliens that needed saving. You know why? Probably because we each do not really know what it is in each of us that needs saving. Afterall, who wouldn't want to be like you?


  1. "Ye shall not eat [of] any thing that dieth of itself: thou shalt give it unto the stranger that [is] in thy gates, that he may eat it; or thou mayest sell it unto an alien." Deuteronomy 14:21

    OK, this verse is my pretext that supports that the Bible teaches aliens will receive our leftovers. You can even sell your leftovers to an alien. So, you may be able to "sell" the Gospel to an extra terrestrial life form in the same manner.

    How do you witness to an Extra Terrestrial life form?

    First, find out what gives him the most pleasure and offer it to him. For instance, if space farting is one of their favorite past times, then offer them an eternal trip to a land where perpetual farting takes place.

    Second, find out what gives them the most fear. This could be living on a planet where there is no Carbon Dioxide gas to breathe. So, you could also motivate them with their worst fear, which is suffocation.

    Third, once you have offered eternal pleasure vs. eternal pain, briefly mention the "plan" (trademark symbol). The plan can take place in three minutes.

    Oh Pavlov. You thought you had explored behavioral psychology. We have been conditioning people for years with the plan.

    OK, all kidding aside, that was a good post. Thanks for sharing it with me. Wow, I was just prosletyzed.

  2. Wow, that made my day! I think you are on to something. I didn't take time to talk about "evidences" for alien salvation. That would be an enjoyable if someone put some thought into it.


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