CODDLE MONSTERS (2): 11 SIGNS OF SMOTHERLINESS

So how do you know if you are a coddle monster? I have drafted up eleven warning signs (largely for the American population). Barring ethnic, regional, and cultural inanities, mothers should avoid the following behaviors for their boys over twelve years of age. If you find that you do one or two of these things, you are probably fine. If you find that you are doing several of them, you want to stop. NOW. 

1. YOU ARE YOUR BOY’S ALARM CLOCK. I hear about this all the time. Mothers remind boys when to go to bed, when to wake up, when to take a shower, when to get ready for school, when to get ready for work. Let him be late a few times and have the discomfort of facing his principal, his coach, his boss. When a mother does not remind her boy to execute a responsibility in a timely manner, he ends up blaming his mother, in which case the mother responds by ridiculing her son’s inability to do things in a timely manner. This cycle continues until he hits a midlife crisis in which case he has a rude awakening or he continues to replicate it until the grave.

2. YOU DO YOUR BOY’S LAUNDRY. I am not sure how I can be any more tactful than to say that a mother has no business touching her boy’s underwear or any other article of clothing that has touched his naked body. A clear barrier is breached when a mother does that (Would a mother allow her boy to fold her underwear and bras?). Or a barrier has not been set up when a young man does NOT care that his mother does that. When a boy has to routinely wash, dry, and put away his clothes, he learns what a dirty person he is and begins to make conscious decisions not to pick his butt or not to use his white t-shirts to wipe the sweat off his face or not to leave his clothes in a dirty pile in the corner. Mothers who do their sons’ laundry well into the teenage years do not understand that they prevent their sons from developing a mature, hygienic awareness. Hygiene is so much more than smelling like AXE or gargling Listerine.

3. YOU SEE YOUR BOY UNCLOTHED. I cannot think of any reason a mother should be in the bathroom when her grown son is taking a shower or soaking in the tub, yet many mothers feel that this is no problem. They come into their boys’ rooms in the morning to wake them up by pulling off his sheets revealing his half-naked body, and they think it’s funny. Or they come into the bedroom when he is half-dressed. Worse yet, they allow him to walk through the house half-dressed or lounge all day in his boxers. This scatological indecency allows young men to be mooks for longer than they should be. They take that same attitude into their romances and marriages, and what do you get? A little boy still.

4. YOU LET YOUR BOY SLEEP IN YOUR BED. This does happen, and it is ridiculous. I knew of a young man at the age of 12 and 13 who slept with his mother every night and had done that since he was very little. Because the father worked night shifts and was virtually never around, the mother was always alone. She needed the comfort of her little boy, and he had never developed the habit of sleeping in his own room. So five or ten or twelve years of age did not matter to him. I was concerned when I first heard about this, and I spoke with the young man about it. He had no conscience whatsoever that he probably should be sleeping in his own room. I did learn that he tried to break himself of the habit. By sleeping in each of his older brothers’ beds. But they soon tired of that, thinking it weird. Perhaps, this point is a rarity, but it bears mentioning.

5. YOU DEFEND YOUR BOY BEFORE HIS FATHER. Fathers can get out of hand, I agree. However, every time a father corrects, yells at, or otherwise gets frustrated with his son, it does not demand that mother come to the rescue. Boys are hardheaded. They really are. Boys respond well to masculine imperatives, because it steels within them the ability to act when they don’t want to act, the ability to follow through when they don’t want to follow through, and the ability to do the thing they hate the most because they want to conquer it: not understand it. They need that man-fear. Mothers do their boys “favors” when they defend them, and  many boys understand exactly what it means. It is mom’s way of saying “I’m sorry son for our last argument. This is me telling you I’m sorry.” Or it is her way of saying “You owe me some respect next time.” This kind of role-playing hampers a boy’s ability to transition into manhood, because he develops a conscience that masculine confrontation is despicable.

6. YOU DO YOUR BOYS’ SCHOOLWORK FOR HIM. Need I say much more? Why does a mother do her boys’ schoolwork while he is sleeping, on an outing with friends, or just hanging out? Coddle monsters will say they do it because they love their boys. However, they really do it because they have not cut the umbilical cord yet. They are so intertwined with their sons personae that their boys’ failures are their very own failures. Mothers like this will do anything to help their boys appear to be successful even to the extent of cheating (which they are already doing) and lying, and stealing for them. Many a mother has spent the night typing up research papers, doing research for research papers, or putting the finishing touches on a project which the young man will not recognize to be his own when he wakes up the next morning.

7. YOU INVADE YOUR BOYS’ PRIVATE SPACE. Coddle monsters are sneaks. They are voyeurs, listening in on phone conversations, putting their ear up against the bedroom door or wall, browsing through their sons’ texts, phone numbers, and Internet history. Looking through his bedroom drawers, going through the pockets of the pants he has discarded on the floor, smelling their sons’ clothing, and checking underneath their blankets for any sort of “clue” that would help them understand their boys’ activities away from mom. The same mothers will talk through the bathroom door while the son is using the restroom or shower or talk his ear off when he is trying to sleep. The mother wants to regulate the experiences of her boy, and ultimately, his growth.

8. YOU MONITOR YOUR BOY'S MONEY. I know of boys who have jobs, but they do not have bank accounts. Or any bank account that they have set up themselves. They turn their checks over to their mothers, hoping that she is going deposit the money, keep track of it, and sometimes make it grow. The same mothers will not allow their sons to withdraw any of their own money, because they have determined that he is “saving up for college” or for a “car” (of her choosing). However, they are willing to “loan” him a fiver or so whenever he needs it, further drawing that boy into her neverending bosom of smotherliness. Also, such mothers will borrow money from their boys’ account whenever they get in a bind. He doesn’t know how much money he has anyway.

9. YOU ARE YOUR BOY'S CHAUFFER. Instead of driving your son everywhere, why not let him get his drivers’ permit, or his license, or buy a car? In addition, why not put the responsibility upon him to get from point A to point B? Why can’t he walk? I am surprised at how many athletic boys who can pump loads of iron or wrestle any opponent in their weight-class are controlled by their mothers in this way. Mom won’t let him walk three miles to a friend’s house or to work. No, he has to wait around for Mom to finish her work around the house before she can drop him off. And he sits there playing video games or watching television when he could already be there and back before his mother is done. This subtle form of control contributes to her son’s mooching off his girlfriend, fiancé, or future wife.

10. YOU ARE THE ONLY PARENT WHO SPEAKS TO YOUR BOY ABOUT SEX. I have had mothers tell me that they have great relationships with their boys in that their boys can tell them "anything." While I am always happy to hear a mother affirm that, I have often learned that I did not quite understand what they meant. What they often meant was that they had very open conversations about sex. I am not talking about sexual morality. I am talking about sex from the pros and cons of methods to the son “confessing” is sexcapades with his girlfriend or any number of girls or with himself or occasionally with another boy. Coddle monsters get really excited when their sons confide in them these kinds of sordid things, because it is the ultimate compliment you could give a coddle monster. I knew a boy who confessed to his mother a particular attraction. To an animal. I am not lying. She thought it was a sign that he was “pouring’ his heart out. I thought it meant that the boy needed professional help.

11.YOU ARE BEST FRIENDS WITH YOUR BOYS’ GIRLFRIEND. While some mothers have the ability to maintain healthy friendships with their boys’ girlfriends, I typically find this kind of three-way relationship unconscionable. Especially with mothers who have to be either best friends with their boy’s girlfriends or completely disapprove of them altogether. Of course, the coddle monster does not want the competition of another female, so it only makes sense to win that female over. Not only does she gain a new friend, but she gets to keep her boy! Such close relationships like these can be crippling, though, because the mother is present "all of the time" while alone at home with her boy or through her close monitoring and interrogating of the girlfriend. Quite honestly, the romance gets mixed up in the mind of the boy with the love for his mother. The girlfriend will eventually go away while the real relationship between mother and son continues.

I could go on, but no, as I am getting nauseated from this subject. If you see yourself in several of these descriptions, then I recommend that you reevaluate your own emotional health. Aside from your boy’s own developmental issues, you have issues, too, the main one being that your vampiric need for the undivided attention of your little boy means that somewhere deep inside you have a voracious appetite. You are starving.

CODDLE MONSTERS (1): MOTHERS WHO SMOTHER THEIR BOYS

For over fifteen years I have noticed a prominent factor in the emotional-underdevelopment of boys in our great land: mothers. Not just any mother, but the coddle monster: “coddle” and “monster” (not to be mistaken for the endearing “cuddle monster” if one exists). Coddle monsters are mothers who have the dominant voice in the masculine development of their boys. The “coddle” portion involves a mother’s encouragement of certain childish or juvenile factors she finds endearing about her man-child. The “monster” portion refers to the incessant cajoling of her man-child to mature apart from the childish or juvenile factors she nurtures and that she cannot live without.

Now, that does not include all hardworking single-mothers, nor does it include all proud, doting mothers. Mothers, aunts, grandmothers, female teachers, and other admirably feminine models of behavior have always and will always largely inform the masculine population (else there would be no human race). However, where a father or grandfather or responsible male can be influentially involved in a boy’s life but chooses not to be is where the C.M. formula finds its most success.

Years ago I worked with a boy who was a foreign adoption. He was clever, but his parents thought him to be ignorant, and his mother specifically likened him to a “lost puppy” (that, by the way, seems to do just fine without human intervention). Not only must he learn English at the age of twelve, but he had to learn it while going to school. He came to my school for a short while where I immediately saw an uncomfortably tight bond between mother and son (actually, it was only tight from mom’s side and only tight from his side when Dad or I wanted to get involved). During lunchtime that first week of school he told me (and mimed) how he would feign ignorance and set off the burglar alarm in the house by continuously using the front door. His father would explain to him in slow English how he must NOT do that. But it happened over and over again, his father patiently explaining the same information each time because Mother was nearby, enjoying both the childish innocence and bestial stupidity of her "wittle" boy.

After being at my school for several weeks, I had to pull the young man aside because of his very vocal comments about his hatred towards his mother. Even when I confronted him he was belligerent. However, that evening I received a call from his mother who was sobbing.

“H-H-How c-c-could you-u-u say th-that to my-y-y sw-eeet boy?”

“Say what?”

“Th-Tha-at hi-is moth-the-ther d-doesn’t l-love hi-im!” Oh. So that was the game the brat was playing. I tried to explain to her that her son was making it publicly and widely known throughout the school that he hated her. I had merely pulled him aside to tell him he was not allowed to speak about his mother that way.

“HE DOESN’T HATE ME! YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HIM LIKE I DO!” Clearly, I didn’t. What followed was a combination of Bible verses and Dobsonian logic about boys. Over ten years later what followed was drug charges and incarceration.

Now, I do not propose that I knew everything about her boy (what hubris). What I did know, however, was that he was, forgive the pun, milking her for what she was worth while despising and hating her at the same time. She did not see it that way. She saw an angel who was confused in his feelings and in his language. An angel who had to be protected from “devils” like me (and his father). 


Do boys really get hate and love mixed up? And if so, is the solution to teach them the difference by coddling them, and, thereby, affirming the behavior? I propose that Mother herself, seeing the coalition of father and Teacher as one of men against her little boy, saw an opportunity to make herself indispensable to her little boy by siding with him. However, the cost of such intervention was his absolute love and appreciation. She got her way. For a while.

Another young man I worked with years ago had issues with his mother. He hated her, too, but for different reasons. He hated her because she did not protect him from his father who fell into routine rages, physically taking it out on him. Both mother and son had a stormy relationship where days were either “amazing” or “terrible.” I had many talks with both to ascertain what the problem might be. What I concluded (much to her dismay) was that she had such a poor relationship with her husband whom she could not control that she poured overwhelming attention upon her son whom she could control. 


While she seemed open to my disciplinary suggestions, I found out from the son that she was not following my advice at all. She was actually provoking negative behavior from him. She needed her son to explode, and to follow up with a sincere apology, because his apology was the only sympathetic word she ever got from anyone in the house. By being the trigger to her son’s anger problem, she was able to keep him on a short leash, emotionally hampered, and in an open loop. He ended up going to jail for a short time. His mother was there to bail him out and to plead for him before the judge. That bond got tighter and the boy more despairing. He eventually ran away. For good.

Another mother had a son with learning “issues.” The father could not be bothered with the boy, because it was really the mother who wanted to have him and not the father (which, in my estimation, was the “issue”). The father was also an important business man who had a very extensive travel schedule. The mother explained, however, that the issues her boy had were a combination of learning disabilities, behavioral problems, and mood swings. She put her son in my school to get him “caught up” with his studies which, by the way, he bombed the entire time at my school

“What about these other problems? The learning disabilities? The ADD? The anger problems?” That is one reason why boys come to my school.

“Oh, I will take are of those. You just take care of his academics. I have him on this special point system where if he has a good day, then I give him something.” I looked at her, almost with scorn. Her boy was a teenager.

“So you want him to do a good job in order to win a prize of some sort?” Oh, no, she laughed. I got her all wrong.

“You don’t understand my son. He has to be motivated in order to stay focused. I have to give him a carrot of some sort.” I cocked my head to the side and nodded slowly.

“Have you ever given him a carrot to not wet his pants?” She laughed at me.

“I heard you were funny! He doesn’t wet his pants because he doesn’t want to wet his pants.” I smiled.

“Then why can’t he do his school work because he wants to do his school work?” Now I was challenging her, and her disposition changed. So she pulled out her credentials about how she has worked in education longer than I and maybe if I was reasonable about children’s needs then I would have more students in my school. Then she criticized the textbooks I was using. Then she started crying because another mother had just come into the school building and they were having a fight. Then she talked about how she needed to go home and rest. It is no wonder her boy has been in and out of the psych ward since then.

Today I used the word “balls” twice and “gonads” once. Both “balls” references were in a conversation with two mothers, and the “gonads” reference was in a conversation with a church elder. Interestingly, both recipients of my word choice agreed that those were the right words. As I recall, the “balls” reference went something like “If he doesn’t have the balls to make that phone call, then he does not deserve sympathy.” The “gonads” reference went something like “In order to transition from talking about a product to selling it, you have to have the gonads to insist on the sell.” Both convos are rough translations, because I don’t want to divulge that I was speaking about Frederick (in regard to “balls”) and Jusef (in regard to “gonads”). 


The coddle monster likes her “wittle” boy with “wittle” balls, but she will despise the same child when she wants him to perform at a mature, competent level only to find he is unable to do so. I have to stop talking about this for now or I’m going to throw-up all over my laptop.